Public Ridicule

A public men’s room can be a bizarre place. It’s a place where every man goes at some point in his life, but rarely is he ever completely comfortable with it. Larry “Wide Stance” Craig and George Michael are notable exceptions. Arenas and Stadiums often have a long trough where men have to line up next to each other, whip it out, and pretend they’re completely secure with the situation. It looks like a germ-a-phobe convention in there with people trying to avoid elbow-to-elbow and eye contact at all costs. In these situations urinals are a luxury. Urinals with a divider are a majorly kick-ass.

However, the urinal also provides for weirdness. I’m talking about urinal posture. You’ll see strange postures at urinals that are never seen at the troughs. There are three major types:

The Reverent - head down, feet shoulder-width apart, both hands in front of the pelvis. It looks a little like the guy is praying for a bigger one. He doesn’t want trouble. He just wants to relieve himself and go. The Reverent will rarely talk to you - which is good. This is probably the most common stance and the most comfortable for everyone.

The Destitute - head-down, feet shoulder-width apart, one hand in front of the pelvis, one hand on the wall.

This guy has given up on the prayers of the Reverent. If it weren’t for that wall, he’d probably collapse on the floor and weep over what he’s holding. It’s sad really. Why he feels the need to hold up the wall is anyone’s guess. The later it gets, the more likely you are to see this one especially if the place serves alcohol. A variation on this stance is:

The Line-up - feet more than shoulder-width apart, head up or down, both hands at or above eye-level against the wall. This guy looks like he’s waiting for a pat-down or a reach-around.

Both stances are absurd when the person is sober.

The Executive (aka, The Superman) - feet more than shoulder-width apart, head facing forward or slightly up, one or both hands resting on the hips. If only one hand is on the hips, the other will usually be in front of the pelvis. This guy is showing off his unit to the porcelain. He’s so proud of himself, so self-important, and probably an incredible douche. It is no coincidence that the guys in this posture are usually wearing a suit. I haven’t run the numbers on this, but I suspect that people with Executive pissing posture are also more likely to be blasting out farts with reckless disregard for the pissers around them.

There are variations of each one of these stances, like the Destitute Executive. The worst are the Executives with one hand on the hip and the other holding the cell phone. I’ve seen this on at least 4 occasions, the most recent one within the last week. It’s everything I can do to not drive my foot into their lower-back until their spine snaps and they’re left crippled on the bathroom floor doused in their own urine crying for help.

This may be the greatest urinal ever…