Public Ridicule

So, how’s that Hummer/Expedition/Escalade treating you? You enjoying that big, powerful, penis-compensating ride lately? No? What’s the problem? Gas prices? We’ve known gas prices were controlled by Middle Eastern douchebags for a long time now. Why the change in attitude? Oh, paying $80 several times a week to fill up making you a little light in the pocket? Is it getting difficult? Boy, it sucks to be you.

I’d like to say I can sympathize with these people, but I BOUGHT A REASONABLE FUCKING CAR! You know what, I take it back. I wouldn’t like to be able to say that I can sympathize with them. I’m glad I can’t sympathize with them.

You should see me laughing hysterically at these ridiculous wives carting one kid around in the back of some Suburban. It’s tough to keep my seat dry. I picture these husbands at home, palms on their foreheads, fingers in their hair, just weeping over the credit card bills.

Suddenly the phone rings:

“Hello…”

“Hi, honey, I just picked up Katelyn from dance class. Her friend Brianne needed a ride home, so I’m taking her home first. We’re going to stop by the ice cream shop and get something. We should be home in a few hours. This stop and go traffic is sooo frustrating. Oh, by the way, I was filling up today and the credit card wouldn’t take. I had to go in and pay that nasty looking man with cash. Can you call Visa for me and order a new card for me. The stripe looks ok, but I assume it’s too worn…” [GUNSHOT] “…Honey? Honey, you there? What was that noise? If you can hear me call the cell phone company too about this bad signal. Love you!”

This scenario cheers up my day every time I think about it. Look, I’m no environmentalist and I don’t own a Hybrid (most of them look stupid), but I could read the signs back in 2004 when I bought a new vehicle. It’s not like there wasn’t a war going on then. Now these jackballs are trying to sell their Urban Assault Vehicles and are having a really tough time. Good. Try thinking things through next time. Just because you can afford to drive a couch doesn’t mean you should.

These people used to be so proud of that status symbol they’re tooling around in that is now treating them like Ned Beatty in Deliverance. I hope they think about that every time they squeeze that remote button to unlock the doors and get into that monstrosity. You might as well be squeezing a tube of K-Y into your crack. Enjoy the ride.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 6th, 2008 at 8:19 pm and is filed under Misc. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.